Newsday TV Book, September 25-October 1, 1977.

From the previous post we jump back almost a year, to the first full week of autumn, 1977.

I was entering the third grade at St. Pius, and I think it was around this time that I saw an interview with O.J. Simpson in one of those kids' magazines--Dynamite, or Pizzazz, perhaps even Bananas--where he was asked what his motto was. If I recall correctly, it began "If it doesn't fit..." (Sorry, that was pretty hacky.)

I went to one of my brothers and asked what a motto was. He explained, and I immediately resolved: dammit, I need me a motto! I chewed it over for days, trying to determine the saying I had learned in my eight years on the planet that was most meaningful to me, and thus, useful words for all others to conduct their own lives by.
The motto I settled on?
"Don't shit where you eat."
Do not ask me how I arrived at this. My, what an odd boy. Anyway, back to the TV Book...

I must have looked at this cover (with Alan Alda and Talia Shire in the TV movie "Kill Me if You Can") a hundred times over the twenty or so years I've had the issue. It wasn't until I read the article by Bill Kaufman--which mentions that Alan Alda wore nose and dental appliances to play death-penalized Caryl Chessman--that I realized, oh yeah, that almost doesn't look like him! (Note that, in one of the photo captions, they identify Alda as his dad.)
(Click on pics to clarify the text.)

TV Line not only addresses such perennial mysteries as the Harry/Henry Morgan conundrum, whether Schnozzola was sick or what, and the pleasing distribution of Barbi Benton's spatial volume, it also lists the TV Book's editorial staff (including the 21-year-old daughter of reviewer John Cashman).

When I read over the Sunday listings of yesteryear, I always think to myself, "Man, the programming was so much better in those days!" Realistically, however, I suspect most of these shows would put me to sleep as expeditiously now as they did back then.

Here's some of Sunday night's schedule, with an ad for the Chessman movie, and a close-up on the ABC Sunday Night Movie, The Longest Yard. It was never missed by me or my Pius peers, and Monday's recess was spent imitating our favorite scenes, delightedly parroting the censored lines ("I think you broke his freakin' nose!").

Here's Monday afternoon, mostly for the diet pill ad cheesecake (and the Genovese Super Drugs logo). The amphetamine found in the pills is now mainly used to help dogs with incontinence.

Amidst Monday's listings is this full page ad for Dinah!, prime time on WPIX channel 11, with a stellar Vegas line-up.

Yes, I am compelled yet again to include the Noseless Preggo of Dan Howard's Maternity Factory Outlet. She's seen here in an outfit worn by every knocked-up, smocked-up 70's kindergarten teacher.

I include Tuesday evening for the tantalizing fare featured at the Blue Dolphin of East Farmingdale, a restaurant at which you could "eat your way through Italy." Apparently their "Neopolitian-Seafood" offerings were not to the area's liking, as I can't exhume the first thing about them from the vast internet graveyard.

I present now all of Friday, with the morning listings accompanied by a bakery ad that raises several questions. The first, which I've asked before: is there a reason it's called "Laurette Pastry's" and not "Laurette's Pastries"? But this particular ad also makes me wonder: did they really think reducing the font size halfway through the line
"AT A PRICE YOU CAN AFFORD to go out of your way for!"
would, like, fool somebody or something?

Also, I looked up the servings of a half sheet cake, here quantified as 30-35. I found a range of answers (with the most common being around forty), from 18 to... 108?!? I'd say either someone doesn't know what the hell they're talking about, or there are a lot of disgruntled First Communion party attendees milling around with a sliver of raspberry cream vanilla sponge cake that's slightly thicker than the Dixie plate it's smeared on.

The afternoon programs are listed beside an ad that's rare in my collection. The Cleveland Hair Clinic seems at first glance to be offering transplantation that's affordable because it is done one cranial hemisphere at a time. (Nope, a closer look reveals that's "before" and "now" portrayed simultaneously.) The other ads I've seen for the CHC (not to be confused with the world-renowned Cleveland Non-Hair Clinic) have school teacher Ken Kotula's likeness sporting a full head of genuine ersatz follicles.

I have addressed the U & Me Haircutters ad previously, with its depiction of an unkempt Gordon Lightfoot (if he was addicted to a canine incontinence remedy).

The shows of the Saturday morning schedule are of an era when anything that didn't air on ABC was a mystery to me, one which I simply presumed to be inferior. Hey, I got my Superfriends, Laff-a-Lympics and Krofft Supershow '77--go piss up a rope, Space Academy!

At one in the a.m., stoners, Monster Kids, and stoned Monster Kids were forced to choose between Frankenstein (the Karloff classic) and The Mummy (not the Karloff classic).

I'm not 100% certain that the reviews of the Cable TV (that is, HBO) section are all by John Cashman (as opposed to the regular Newsday Movie critic Joseph Gelmis) but most sure sound like his voice.

A few ads for ya... The SmokEnders program promised an end to the "agony of cold turkey withdrawal." Oh yeah, it's brutal--I suffered that when I gave up Thanksgiving leftovers!
Btw, Plainview shout-out: Midway Jewish Center, woot-woot! (Although I think that was actually in Syosset, as implied. Whatever.)

The Westrock Beef ad is nearly ubiquitous in the TV Books of the seventies, but I usually skip scanning them. This one, however, has a cool-looking, full-page Black Angus and a large lariat logo, with the featureless WB Cowboy riding a horse that appears to be wearing stylish slacks.

Today is the first day of autumn and the weather instantly complied with an even-colder-than-average forecast--so look for appropriately crisp and chilly, pumpkin-spiced October posts, coming soon!

In the meantime, kiddies, remember: Don't Shit Where You Eat!

Newsday TV Book, September 17-23, 1978.

I started a little early on this one, partially because Blogger tends to give me fits lately, but also because I knew there'd be a lot of pages to scan. Let's get to it!

Battlestar Galactica premiered on ABC this Sunday, which gives us this week's cover. Some Cylons get intimate as Captain Apollo and Lieutenant Starbuck look on. Whatever you’re into, fellas, none of my business…

In case you were unaware, Isaac Asimov explains why the show, scientifically speaking, was complete daggit-shit.

We learn everything about Billy Joel in the TV Line this week, plus info on Rerun, Jim Rockford's non-existent secretary and more.

It appears as though this may be the first appearance of the Off Camera behind-the-scenes column, and they start out strong with some juicy Storm Field gossip, raising all sorts of burning questions: why won't he talk about his marriage? Why is the station covering it up? And why can't Newsday just respect somebody's goddamn privacy?

Before we delve into the full Sunday listings, NBC drops an ad for Dumbo and Kong.

A note precedes the morning schedule to let readers know that the ongoing New York City newspaper strike may affect local news coverage. The strike, which began August 10th, would last another seven weeks.

I've become obsessed with memorializing the noseless preggo of Dan Howard's Maternity Factory Outlet ads, in all her various outfits. Here she's in some sort of hoodie loungewear which, if you remove her legs, kinda makes her look like the murderous dwarf in Don't Look Now. (Oh, uh, spoiler alert.)

WOR (NYC's channel 9) took advantage of NBC's Kong remake broadcast to drag out the original King for a non-Thanksgiving showing.

In the midst of the Sunday listings, ABC ran this Battlestar Galactica ad, one of four illustrated by Frank Frazetta, more impressive in color.

Now it's Son of Kong's turn to ride the network coattails.

Monday night brought the 1978 Emmy Awards Presentations. Newsday, as always, offered a ballot showing the major nominees, denoting the picks of their esteemed TV critic (wait, was there really such a thing?) Marvin Kitman.

ABC brought Lassie back, and Terry Bradshaw scored against baldness with “Newman Qaylar” (or “New Man Qaylar?”). Twelve points, to be exact, although it's not clear how this was quantified.

Another ad, but this time it's CBS (local channel 2, WCBS, more specifically) touting the British-produced Bonkers! with the Hudson Brothers. There’s a lot going on there.

Here's Tuesday afternoon, mainly for the kinda-neat television rental ad, but also because I enjoyed the Frankie & Annette beach party movies, both on the WABC 4:30 Movie and when they aired late at night.

Tuesday evening, mostly for the somewhat humdrum Viskupic drawing for Airport '77.

Thursday's late night listings feature the usual edifying reviews by the penetrating John Cashman, but there's also an ad for Pancho Villa's Mexican Restaurant in Huntington, still there but without the dedicated leadership of the Chapa family.

Saturday, in all its seventies-liciousness.

I just have to mention that I LOVE when ads have a mixture of realistic and cartoony clip art, so thank you Petmobile Mobile Dog Grooming!

Viskupic livens up a bit for his illustration for the gothic horror flick Burnt Offerings.

Cable TV Highlights, a column I perused with envy for almost three more years. Not this one specific column, you understand—I’m nuts, but I’m not a mental patient. I mean week after week, until dad buckled and got us Cablevision in August of '81.

Here are some random ads. The Smithtown Furniture Warehouse Showroom depicts the Americana-type couches my family had: stiff, itchy, and thoroughly nap-resistant.
P/J's Dance Charisma hoped to convince you to invest in some disco lessons (a "fevery hustle," indeed).

Finally, the color back-cover bank ad (the color being yellow) shows a parade of satisfied account-holders with their portable Philcos, as one woman in a snappy fedora and argyle vest pullover wonders, "Hey, how do I get me one o' them fuckin' cheap TV's?" Well, lady, I don't know why you have to be such a pottymouth about it, but just go to County Federal Savings and deposit a shitload of money! (Oh, great, now she's got me doing it!)

Bye for now, but I'll see you later with more old bullshit!