Newsday TV Book, May 13-19, 1984.

Yeah, dammit, I know I said I wuzzen gunna but apparently I can't friggin' help myself!
Another 1984 issue, long past the TV Book's prime, but since it's consecutive after the last one... ah, shit. I mean, I don't even want to describe the TV movie seen on the cover, it sounds like such a fucking drag. But here goes: Appalachia, not-quite-post-war, a bedraggled but determined woman, her dickweed husband, too many dirty kids, they move from crappy Kentucky to crappy Detroit and only her skill for doll-whittlin' keeps them alive. I mean, don't we watch TV to forget these people? Where's goddamn Knight Rider?

In the TV Line, S.M. of Plainview wonders whatever became of Regis Philbin, and Carol Burton Terry points out that he's on TV three times a day, you twit! Whuddaya got, a job or something?

This next ad is not especially interesting, I just enjoyed seeing little Bernadette Castro again, easily unfolding her bed with its two-inch-thick mattress. She died in agony at 19, wearing a halo-gravity traction brace for her gravely disfigured spine. (I dunno, maybe it's true. Y’ever sleep on one o’ them fucking things?)

No-Frills Nuts & Fruits Etc. delivered a veiled threat to Ralph Rotten, who was sleeping with the Connecticut gefilte not long after.

Thinning suburban husbands had a tough choice: Should I replace my hair or my windows? Well, let's just say I bet the kids felt a draft as they peered through the curtains all night, waiting for their newly thatched dad to return from the bars.
(I think the "after" pic is on top--otherwise, expect a lawsuit, Hair Replacement Centers!)

This page is presented just for the North Shore Animal League ad suggesting a pet for mom on Mother's Day. What's another mouth to feed, right mom? Better'n one that's gonna talk back in a few years, anyway!

I loved Ernie Kovacs as a kid, and I remember joylessly watching that terrible TV movie about him, "Ernie Kovacs: Between the Laughter." Indeed, best as I could tell, the film took place entirely between instances of unheard, unexperienced laughter.
At least we had the long-running cosmetic surgery ad for entertainment, with that smooth-cootered woman eating grapefruit with her titty out. Yeah, now she was great.

Here's all day Saturday, with Local Cable TV highlights.

In Off Camera, Jimmy McNichol predicted he will "make it" in 1997, when he's thirty-five. By "it," he evidently meant a son, because he has no other "credits" for that year. (I put "credits" in quotes because, let's face it, not everyone can make a movie but any asshole can make a kid. Hell, he splooged one out when he was 19 and didn't even know until he was almost fifty!)

My family had redwood patio furniture back in the day, and I still whole-heartedly endorse it.

Here’s your humble Non-Parader and the damp prophet Elijah (as photographed by my mother—way to frame, ma!) snoozily endorsing redwood patio furniture back in the day, with my Trumpy, forty-years-premature comb-over in serious disarray.
(Not clearly seen: river of drool running from my gaping Scooter-Piehole.)

That's it, thank the lord, but I figured I'd throw in a couple pages of the Newsday Classified's Action Directory from the center of the book. I’ve never seen this section before, but it sure sounds exciting, doesn't it?

Well, it wasn't, unless wholesale Menudo trading cards chubbed your churro. Oh well, maybe next time…

Newsday TV Book, May 6-12, 1984.

Among the issues of my Newsday TV Book collection that I've taken a closer look at, here's the most recent (not including a few scanned pages of the Christmas '84 issue). The cover features Duncan Regehr, star of ABC's The Last Days of Pompeii, a mini-series I have recorded with original commercials.
(Click the pics, they'll look better.)

I make no secret about my disdain for the later issues of my collection. Oh, they certainly elicit a nostalgic reaction, but as with anything after '83 or so, that feeling grows less fond as time goes on. This edition appeared in our home as my freshman year of high school wound down--not a banner year for your burdened Non-Parader, unless of course that banner read "THIS SUCKS ASS."

I often point out in these blog posts that the TV Books were now in a phase that was distinct from the 70's "Golden Age"--no more groovy font on the daily pages, an almost complete absence of John Cashman's brutally objective reviews, and a total kibosh on custom illustrations for close-up features, which means no Gary Viskupic art. Mentioning this is simply my convoluted way of saying that my take on later issues tends toward the superficial, and in this instance I have completely forsaken the cover story. It's a snooze.

Thus, we proceed in a workmanlike manner to the TV Line, which was still the Google of its day. Here, Long Islanders argue and place wagers about subjects that one (meaning I) can hardly imagine giving a third of a shit about.

One-time game-show celebrity panelist Harriet Van Horne weighs in on an Alger Hiss docudrama in TV Views, and tactfully avoids mentioning that she herself made Nixon's infamous shit list. (I guess he just really disliked celebrity panel shows that lack actual celebrities, and can't we all agree on that?)

There's not much in the way of eye-grabbing ads this week, so I'll just present all day Tuesday and Saturday, plus late Friday night and some Mother's Day-related stuff.
Tuesday:

Friday late:

All of Saturday:

I saw Hooper in the theater at least twice, and owned the Hal Needham Stuntman Playset (see end of post for pic). I long harbored a desire to become a stuntman, and I learned and practiced the standard shoulder-roll for gracefully exiting a fall. My athletic agility back in the day is not debatable, because no one remembers but me, so let's just say it was exquisite and leave it at that.

I cobbled together the late listings and Local Cable TV.

The "Mother's Day Gift & Dining Guide" is smack in the middle, with a nice John Argonis illustration.

I've kept all the dining ads, but just a select few gifts, again cobbling some together from different pages.

Remember: MOTHERS ARE LOVERS TOO! Also remember: EW!
(Tom Sawyer Day Camp as a gift for mom? Okay, I guess that makes sense. As long as she doesn't drop off the kids in either of those outfits.)

The Off Camera column reads like this to me: Blah blah blah blah blah blah Dance Fever renewed.

Finally, the back cover, an ad for Modell's, which I hear is still kicking but considering bankruptcy. Yeah, things are still tough all over.

I have the very next issue, May 13-19. Unless there's something dynamite in there, don't expect to see it anytime soon... [Disregard. -Ed.]

Oh yeah, I promised a pic of the Hal Needham playset (the actual name of which, I've just re-discovered, is "Hal Needham the Stuntman and his Western Movie Stunt Set). I found this pic in my copy of the "Sears Wish Book for the 1977 Christmas Season." I sure wish it was in color, because the magnificence cannot be accurately portrayed in monochrome.

The Needham figure even had a joint in its stomach so it could hunch forward, making gut-punches and second-story falls look more realistic. I had the full combination set, and man it was a hoot! The description says the table was breakaway, but so were the railing, the chair, the front window frame, and maybe even the stairs. (I don't remember that clapboard at all, so it's possible it got swept away with the wrapping paper.) Plus, the playset (and the super-cool launcher) fit my eight-inch Mego Superheroes perfectly, so I'm certain Spider-Man and the Lizard duked it out Western-style more than once.

P.S. Just in case you don't believe me about the TV Book's "Golden Age," check out this issue from exactly ten years earlier and tell me if you disagree!