Newsday TV Book, March 25-31, 1979.

Good gravy, it's the end of March, and since the last post I've had a birthday. I could simply tell you my age, but that's too easy. I'll just say that, when this issue came out, I was newly ten and had just semi-enjoyed my first and only birthday party (like, the whole shebang, with school chums and games and all that). I would elaborate, but the link to that story will have to do, as I have a lot of scans to upload and it's almost lunch (a topic firmly in the back of my mind once someone mentioned gravy).

Sooner or Later was a TV movie about a 13-year-old girl (played by 16-year-old Denise Miller of Brooklyn) hoping to hook up with a 17-year-old "rock and roll singer" (Rex Smith, twenty-one at the time, who had in fact, according to Bill Kaufman's article, once opened for Ted Nugent at Madison Square Garden!). This smut was endorsed by the National Education Association, which you can tell is a very bad organization because it has education right there in the name.

As always, I am compelled to tell you to click on the pics to enlarge them, although I'm confident you would have figured that out. (Oh, and some pages came out a little rippled. I guess I could have re-scanned them, but, again, I'm sure you'll cope.)

The TV Line was just the forum to quell household strife involving the cast and crew of Delta House, as well as squabbles regarding the progeny of Connie Stevens--hopefully before the disputes came to bataca blows (a weapon sure to be wielded by Long Islanders uncushioned, Bart Simpson-style, to maximize persuasiveness).

I had already edited together the Sunday morning listing for the WPIX Easter Seal Telethon (which began the night before) with an ad featuring national host Jack  Klugman, so here's that.

I'm jumping to Tuesday, which I present in its entirety just to preserve what a typical TV weekday offered at this time of year. In this case, the day brought close-ups for Mooshine [sic] County Express and Carson's Art Fern (with Carol Wayne, who I always found odd-looking), an absurdly detailed Cliffhangers synopsis, some corrosive John Cashman reviews, and ads for Glana (who foresaw a big-girl uprising in '79) and a toupee that came with a big smelly pipe, I imagine as an attempt at distraction.

Now here's the Wednesday sched, partly for more reviews, but also to feature an ad for Riddles, a "Restaurant Pub-Gathering Place" on Old Country Road in Westbury. Their presence on the internet is presently nil.

We skip to Thursday night, mainly for the Viskupic-penned news close-up illustration on the subject of the Love Canal hazardous waste crisis. Yikes, Gary was in fine, freaky form for this one. Also, Nassau Community College appealed to veterans about various assistance programs.

For Friday night, Cootner drew up a leering Alfie, and Emil Asch, Inc. of New Hyde Park suggested not schlepping for Passover--just buy all your fine disposables from him and "sparkle your home."

Seriously now, I'm getting hungry, so I'm dumping the rest: all day Saturday (with a doodle by mystery artist Lee Hill); some helpful TV Book features about kiddie shows and cable selections (in my mind, I'm recording Gap Rap); a smattering of Trivia questions and Off-Camera tidbits; plus some classic ads--Easter at Hicks Nurseries! "Bugs Bunny in Space" competing with the Nassau County Police Lost Property Auction at the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum! The Long Island Supper Club ripping off what appears to be an Edward Gorey character!

I'll try to come back and provide ostensibly chuckle-provoking commentary. We'll see. Time to schlepp to the kitchen and nosh!

Newsday TV Book, March 6-12, 1977.

This issue's been in my Nerd Archive for close to two decades, not sure why I've never taken a closer look at it on the blog. The cover is a promo shot for the TV Movie A Circle of Children with Jane Alexander, and if you look closely, Todd Bridges is directly behind her, and then over to the right is Kyle Richards, future Real Housewife. Between them is a kid I woulda swore was Philip McKeon (but it apparently ain't) and Rachel Longaker (trust me, you've seen her in something).

The cover story is by Bill Kaufman.

Newsday readers request a gender reveal for a Mouseketeer, wonder if the Osmonds' ice is real, and long for more of Erica Wilson's needlework. (If you're still holding out for more episodes, E.F. of Westbury, I hate to break it to you: she died of a stroke 14 years ago at age 83.)

Sunday morning brought Little Giant for Bud & Lou fans, while the Bowery Boys yukked it up in Jail Busters. The Executive Hair Centers ad is a total rip-off of Dave Berg (Mad Magazine's "The Lighter Side of..." artist), as I demonstrated HERE on the DPiMR Facebook page.

Bob Newman offers a somewhat Viskupic-esque illustration for The Gambler, and elsewhere on the Sunday afternoon sched you had your choice of Elvis, Bob Hope, McHale's Navy, and (for you high-falutin' types) Dick and Liv.

What the hell--here's the rest o' Sunday!

Monday night has an unidentified Newsday artist's hairy take on The Wind and the Lion, and there's an ad for The Westbury Home for Adults in... Jericho?

Finally, a Viskupic illustration! Uh... hmm. Looks like Gary phoned it in a li'l bit.

Late Tuesday brought prime Python, sub-prime Marx Brothers and Laurel & Hardy, and an embarrassed Basil Rathbone (according to reviewer John Cashman).

Another full day: Saturday, including an amusingly on-the-nose Visk drawing for Mean Streets! Oh, you lucky girls and boys!

A dismal Crosswords attempt (wudn me) and an Easter clip art Dollar Shoe Outlet ad.

Now for a couple ads: Dk Fusion is perfect! Romance, shower, play the roughest sports! Simultaneously!

With the World Modeling Association, dreams come true at the Waldorf! Thanks, Ruth Tolman!

Dining Car 1890--authentic rolling stock, Chicken Kiev, and Museums at Stony Brook admission!

See you next time, when I'll have more Worship for Shut-Ins!
(Sunday, 7:30 am, WTNH 8)

Newsday TV Book, February 19-25, 1978.

We're two-thirds of the way into a brutally cold February, so I bet the music of Barry Manilow will shine, shine, shine on you like a warm daybreak. (Or, you can't stand him, like several people I know, in which case just resume freezing your hinder off and skip the cover story by the great Bill Kaufman.)

(Click or tap the pictures to see them better. I'm not sure I need to say that anymore--it seems so obvious and dumb--but, to paraphrase Mary Tyler Moore, "Dumb is all around.")

I thought the mention of Barry’s beagle, Bagel, was a funny little detail, turns out this was a very well-known hound.

In the TV Line: the whereabouts of the fifth Kong, an explanation for Mrs. Roper’s fashion sense, and why Soap is Soap.

Oh, and that thing around Paul Michael Glaser’s neck? None of your fucking business.

In this week’s ad for Dan Howard’s Maternity Outlet, the Noseless Preggo wears high boots and an overalls-ish romper, I guess. So, the baby just lifts that flap when it’s hungry?

Here’s a full weekday, Monday the 20th. There’s a close-up on that night’s TV movie premiere of Wild and Wooly, featuring hottie trio Elyssa Davalos, Chris De Lisle, and my favorite, Susan Bigelow. She was in tons of commercials, and I always thought she was cute (although this pic doesn't do her justice). Coincidentally, I acquired a recording of WaW, from WNEW, aired July of ‘85.

TV celebs were regularly given specials with stupid titles, and the aforementioned MTM got a few of them, including this doozy ("How to Survive the 70's and Maybe Even Bump Into Happiness") with Harvey Korman.

I seem to remember digging Quark. I have the series DVD (all 8 episodes), acquired with the hope of scratching a nostalgia itch I'm not even sure I have. I've tried watching it several times, but I haven’t yet made it through an entire episode. I guess it’s not the worst show I’ve ever seen, but the overall quality tends to remind me of the unpleasant notion that I am not immortal and therefore needn’t be spending any more of my hourglass sand on a 70's sci-fi sitcom that seems to be inspired solely by a desire to cash in on the Star Wars craze. Sorry, creator Buck Henry.

All day Saturday. You didn't ask for it, but I know how you are…

You would be wasting your morning strolling down Broadway with a zombie from the 1940's (thanks to the WOR double-feature). 

Later you'd tune in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (WOR again!), although you will find it does not benefit from daylight viewing. This is a movie that needs all the help it can get, so maybe wait 'til the next late Saturday Fright Night showing, which I can tell you (by consulting my handy copy [digital] of Fright Night on Channel 9 by James Arena) won't happen for another three years and a month. (Here's my review of the book--go click on "helpful," you don't even have to read it.)

I'm not sure what you'd watch that evening, but I do know that the joke in John Cashman's review of Panic in the Year Zero is hobbled by a typo; it's supposed to say that Ray Milland's greatest feat as director is not letting Frankie Avalon RUIN things.

I'll end the second-person pretense now and just say that I would have Love Boated to Fantasy Island purely for Lynda Day George and Carol Lynley, respectively. Then Odd Couple, O.J. Simpson on SNL (although we never called it that back then, just as we weren't yet calling O.J. a murderer), and of course, Octaman on FN!

Some Cable TV Highlights: Russ Meyer's The Vixens (X) gets softened into Vixen (R),and Tom Downey Reports on clamming. Only one of these shows featured incest.

(To my knowledge.)

Just a couple ads to offer, starting with a sprightly clip art George Washington for Medford's Nanrich...

...then that black-and-white furniture illustration comes to colorful life for Suburban Colonial Shoppes' own holiday sale.

My eyes! I got some seventies in my eyes! Quick, flush them with a Harvey Wallbanger!

See you next time, for an early March 1977 edition, with the TV movie A Circle of Children on the cover. Oh boy--Jane Alexander and a dozen emotionally disturbed kids? Break out the snacks!

And keep those Wallbangers coming!