Back to the Bicentennial!

WARNING: If you've had an assful of the political bellyaching we're persistently drowning in these days, skip down to the pictures. This post is largely an appreciation of America's Bicentennial year through vintage advertising and whatever else I've got in my personal nostalgia collection reflecting it. The first part, however, is just me talking shit.

Anyone who knows me (that would be four mental patients and Kafka's ghost), or who has regularly perused this blog (which would be pretty much just your humble Non-Parader), knows that I'm no fan of our current President. I never have been, going back to my Long Island youth. I can unequivocally say that, by the time I escaped the Island (by the end of 1990, at age 21), I knew Glump was a racist philanderer and an unethical businessman.

I knew he was a racist because in 1985, he immediately responded to the horrific sexual assault on the "Central Park Jogger" by taking out full-page newspaper ads calling for the death penalty to be brought back in order to execute the five untried black teens arrested for it (and then never walked it back, even after they were eventually exonerated by the confession of another, and not even when DNA evidence confirmed that confession and excluded them).

I began reading three daily newspapers at around age ten, because my family subscribed to the excellent LI paper Newsday, the great New York Daily News, and the yellow-rag-then-and-even-worse-now New York Post. I was also a regular reader of Spy Magazine in the late 80's, which regularly skewered Blump for his shady, tasteless behavior, so it's possible I was even aware of his father's and his discriminatory housing practices (for which they were slapped on the wrist, in spite of plenty of evidence).

I knew he was a philanderer because he began openly squiring his mistress Marla around the city, even as he was married with young kids at home. The infidelity was not Page Six gossip, by the way--for a while there, it was ubiquitous on the front page of every city daily. Fortunately, just like their daddy, none of his family were burdened by ethics or even a rudimentary sense of shame, so they all stuck by his fortu--I mean, him. They all stuck by him. His money and power had nothing to do with it. I'm still half-convinced that marrying Marla was Hrump's feeble attempt at saving face.

Of course, what I knew back then--what we all knew then--is barely a tenth of the corruption, deviousness, subterfuge, and outright shittiness Schlump has demonstrated since. I realize that the Semiquincentennial (oy, what a mouthful!) of our beloved nation has little or nothing to do with Clump himself, the worst Commander-in-Chief since the job had a title. The fact that he has essentially branded our 250th year with his usual dopey, gold-plated spectacle just makes the whole thing reek like a non-temperature-controlled warehouse of his unwanted cologne, neglected pallets of the odious solution stacked to the rafters, the bottles' contents as rancid and cloudy as the cerebrospinal fluid his atrophied brain bobs around in.

So I propose we simply ignore Plump's pomp and circumstance. Not his dishonesty, fraudulence, and malfeasance, you understand--that we need to scrutinize more than ever. But his dumb brawls on the White (Trash) House lawn, his pathetic "State Fair," and whatever else he has planned as moron-distracting entertainment between his birthday and the country's... THAT we need to disregard completely.

What we need is the feeling we had fifty years ago! I was seven, and when 1976 came to an end, I swear I remember crying one wistful tear on New Year's Eve, because I was just so damn bummed it was over! (Star Wars would come out five months later, fortunately, and between that and the sequel, I found the strength to go on for a few more years...)

First, let me point out that I wrote a post twenty years ago with some scans from my nostalgia collection, including a complete Sunday Oregonian newspaper. Take a moment to peruse that one first, 
and you will see a Radio Shack flyer from that paper, featuring their own Realistic brand "Spirit of '76" AM radio. Then, come back to this post to see that, two decades later, I finally gave into the improbable temptation and bought one!

(Do I really need to tell you to click on the pics to enlarge them?
If you're as old as me I might!)

Here's a random matchbook I picked up when I bought a giant jarful at an estate sale--auctioned the rest, kept this one (photo edited to show both sides, duh):

Now here's a bunch of scans from my old TV Guides, which I'm still digging through for material.

This ad is actually from December of 1975, when the Rockefeller Center tree lighting took on a Bicentennial bent. This was when the event was still a local affair, airing in the afternoon on channel 4, and not the big network prime-time production it has since become.

Here's another December '75 program, a "religious" show with televangelists Oral Roberts, Rex Humbard, and Kathryn Kuhlman. Sadly, God did not allow Kuhlman to see the big bash: less than three months later, the "faith-healer" died undergoing open-heart surgery.

A few ads for the holiday:
A Danbury Mint bell (going for much less than $25 these days)...

A Spencer Gifts plate...

A "linen calendar towel"...

Some Tally-Ho decks from the United States Playing Card Company (I personally love that Linoid finish, don't you?)...

Some stamps, from Westport Collectors Society... zzzzzzzz...

From unlickable stamps to liquor? Now that's more like it! Here's the Southern Comfort "Spirit of '76 Happy Hour Bar Guide"! (Just the three relevant pages, actually.)

A public-service announcement-type message for U.S. Savings Bonds--not explicitly Bicentennial, but still pretty cool...

And, what the hell, two more neat PSA's, these associated with the "Keep America Beautiful" anti-littering campaign, which always kinda felt like part of the Bicentennial national pride anyway...

Those last two were in issues of TV Radio Mirror, but before I get to that magazine, here are two pertinent articles from TV Guide.

First, from November 1975, an interesting piece about the Star-Spangled Banner sign-off films shown on your local channels in the wee hours.

And here's a brief article from December, about some upcoming television shows covering America's big anniversary.

A couple of good ones from TVRM, for a rather minimalist timepiece, and a pre-seeded flower bed touted as "science's most spectacular achievement!" Yeah! Go piss up a rope, Jonas Salk!

I have a couple of Newsweek mags from the era, and found just a few things there. This ad for the CBS Radio Network is downright saddening, considering that this year will be the first Independence Day not covered by the news outlet in 99 years. 

The fireworks get dangerously close to a bottle of 101 proof Wild Turkey.

Not Bicentennial-related, exactly, but I found it interesting that Bruce Jenner and Renee Richards shared a page in the year-end retrospective. (Btw, there is no "Richards, before" photo.)

Now, on to my People Weekly collection, starting with a pictorial of some celebs who contributed to a Bicentennial quilt project. Dick and Tom Smothers, Gene Kelly, Florence Henderson, "quilting expert" Pam Hammond, Sandy Duncan, and, not seen, Jean Stapleton. (Not seen by Sandy, that is.)

Post-Fourth residue, from an August issue: a CBS-TV ad (with Joel Grey's George M. Cohan looking almost as creepy as his Master of Ceremonies); and an ad for an album of patriotic music, including the Olympic Fanfare (meaning, I guess, Arnaud's "Bugler's Dream"). I'm not sure how old this recording is, but conductor Felix Slatkin died thirteen years earlier.

In an April issue, De Beers placed an ad for their Diamond Collection '76, plus a booklet (which I have not found reproduced anywhere online). I'm no jewelry enthusiast, but it's actually pretty cool, examining the contents of each of the many shadow box compartments. I betcha didn't expect Howdy Doody to be in there!

That's all for now, but I got more coming soon!

Newsday TV Book, May 22-28, 1983.

It's a cool, blustery, wet Memorial Day weekend here in your Non-Parader's neck of the literal woods, so what better time than now to indulge in some pointless nostalgia? Oh, who the hell am I kidding--there's always room for pointless nostalgia!

The issue at hand (again, literally) is perfect in that respect, as it's my favorite kind of nostalgia: vintage nostalgia! Here we see that the folks of the early 1980's were pining for the footlights of yore, namely the ones of New York City's Palace Theatre, in this two-hour Sunday night ABC special, Parade of Stars. The storied venue was 70 years old at that point, and remarkably, it's still going strong. (The current production there is a musical based on The Lost Boys, Bob help us all.)

The celebs of the day portrayed the legends of Vaudeville's yesteryear. For example, Ann Reinking and Pam Dawber cosplayed as the Dolly Sisters. (For god's sake, ABC, I know it's a sweeps month, but give the other networks a fighting chance!) The striking Art Sudduth cover prominently features Uncle Miltie, who played himself (not seen: Uncle Miltie's schlong, also playing himself), and the second instance of blackface I can recall seeing in these pages, always a little jarring to see these days.

The last page of the cover story has the Local Cable TV listings, including the Carl Bruno Music Show, and yes, Carl is on YouTube.

In the TV Line: lots of info on Tom Skerritt, confusion over the fates of Wednesday and Buffy, and the least-flattering photo of Missy Gold imaginable.

Critical harridan Harriet Van Horne laments cable vulgarisms and cattily points out Marilyn Monroe's original nose in her always-incisive column.

Here's a bit of the Sunday afternoon listings, really just for the North Shore Animal League ad touting Yankees jackets for adopters. (Sometimes the freebie was Arby's coupons. I'm not a baseball fan, but from what I've heard about this season, Yanks fans might prefer the discount on curly fries.)

More Sunday listings, again for the ad. The actual Madison Square Garden doesn't get a mention in this MSG ad for the cable channel, which touts their eclectic schedule, from Andy Warhol TV to wrestling, The Avengers to roller derby.

Here's the late Sunday/early Monday listings. I think I scanned this only because we see The Last of Sheila on the WABC Sunday Night Movie, which I have a recording of from just two years later. (See a little of it right HERE on my Hugo Faces YT channel! I'm no Carl Bruno, but there's some fun stuff there, check it out!)

It's still a week from the holiday, but here's all day Monday, just to see what was shown on a typical weekday. I think the Square Pegs episode (being rerun against Meatballs on channel 9) is the one with Bill Murray, which I recently tried to watch because I remembered it being the best of the short-lived series. Tip: don't bother watching any episode of Square Pegs, ever. It's awful, and SJP was a wretched actress at that age.

And now, all day Saturday? Is it your birthday, or what?

The Off-Camera column goes like this in my head: Blah blah blah, Lulu Roman lost a hundred pounds, blah blah blah...

This summer-anticipating ad page is titled "Vacation in Your Own Backyard!!!" You know, a backyard vacation with scuba diving lessons (free lobsters, nice!) and discounted Lladro figurines...

This back page ad features the "mama" of Carbo Concord Oil saying "You can bank on it!" I don't know if that's really the family matriarch, but she's probably no longer around--unlike the business, still at the same Lawrence address after 95 years!

Alright, that's it, enjoy your weekend! Here's a bonus page from ten years earlier, just for this message: Drive safely, and keep your eyes away from that pointy steering wheel ornament, just in case--I'm talking to YOU, Mr. Yes I Can!