Newsday TV Book, February 8-14, 1976.

At long last, here is the ONE Newsday TV Book I have from 1976! That was my favorite year of childhood, so why I've neglected this issue for so long is hard to say. Now that I'm at it, however, I am going to scan the whole damn thing, in order. I think I've attempted this before with another edition, but I don't think I succeeded. Forty pages, phew--here we go!

The cover features Wheezin' Jack Palance, with a cat that looks very much like our nine-month-old kitten Esther (if it was a calico, had a tail like a feather duster, and was as adorable as a Muppet but mean as a fucking snake).

Bionics, Gatsbys, Van Pattens, and Joey Stivics (the correct spelling, btw) are among the topics burdening the brains of Long Island boob-tubers reaching out to TV Line.

Holiday Spas and their usual cheesecake (not mouthwash).

Westrock Beef had a Presidents Day sale.

Jack was promoting his new Carroll O'Connor-produced show Bronk, which would only stick around another month-and-a-half. Because the pages are in order, you'll have to wait until the second part of the cover article later to see his turkey Emily. For now you’ll have to settle for reading about his turkey Bronk.

The Sunday morning listings, with a little TM (at the Plainview-Old Bethpage Library, no less!).

I should also note that, since you're getting the full issue, that means you get to read every single movie review by the piquant John Cashman! (But if you crave more, just head HERE!)

Sunday, with a close-up on the Raymond Burr TV movie Mallory. It's described here as a series pilot but that doesn't appear to have worked out (according to the internet, which as we all know is always right and never lies).

Custom Meats Inc. (and Steak City Packing) took out this President's Day sale ad.
Is President's Day still a thing? Is steak still a thing?

Before I get to Monday, I'd like to note that the first thing you'll see there is an ad for Executive Hair Center that totally rips off a Dave Berg "Lighter Side" comic strip from Mad Magazine. I examine this blatant case of plagiarism RIGHT HERE, on the Facebook page that complements this blog, with multiple evidentiary exhibits.
You'll also find a close-up on a Bicentennial-themed episode of Maude, a "musical extravaganza" highlighting the contributions of women to American history. I guess I'll take Newsday's word on the "comedy" part, but I'm skeptical.

Tuesday's listings open with another ad for rug installation, this time with a before-and-after featuring the goalie for the New York Islanders, Glenn "Chico" Resch. Mustache not included.

(If you're having trouble getting along with a neighbor, just give them the evil eye while slowly repeating "Chico Resch" in a low, guttural voice. It sounds like a Latvian curse or something. Doing the Lugosi Dracula hand thing while you say it would help.)

Almost forgot to mention the Gary Viskupic illustration for a National Geographic special, "The Animals Nobody Loved," for which he invented the "rattle-stang-yote."

Wednesday morning.

A page of largely random ads interrupts the Wednesday schedule. There's Wallmark's wallcoverings, Hush A Bye baby furniture, and the West End Tavern in Hempstead (which closed about two years later.) But the one I want to focus on is Able Door of East Meadow at lower left. This ad, usually in a smaller version, appears in many of the old TV Books of my collection. But for some reason, the woman's face appears to have been disfigured here. In the other ads she looks perfectly normal and smiling, but here she looks like John Merrick in a Beatle wig. (If I can find an unblemished ad, I'll put it at the very end of the post.)

Thursday's schedule includes a close-up on local hockey on WOR channel 9, with an illustration of a style unfamiliar to me. Searches couldn't help me figure out who "S.H." is.

Friday comes with a Bob Newman take on The Taking of Pelham One Two Three.

The Saturday sched includes an afternoon special, What Are the Loch Ness and Other Monsters All About?, which would have been required viewing for doofus me and my doofus friends (if we had known about it). Also a must: Old Yeller that night (with a Bernard Cootner drawing here for the close-up), but only if I could catch it alone so that no one in my family would see me lose my shit.

Another full page of ads, your "pre-season swimming pool savings guide."

This is the Quick Guide to the week's movies, specials, and sports, plus a preview of next Sunday, so you could write Kate Smith and the Kids Next Door on your calendar.

Here's the rest of that Palance article, by Leo Seligsohn.

The Crosswords is/are next, and no, I am not the one who attempted to solve it. (I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb.) If you want to take a crack at it, I'll just go ahead and tell you that the pictured star is Melinda (O.) Fee. She played Fenestra on the 1966 "Space Circus" episode of Lost in Space. Duh!

The back cover is yet another in a series of unfailingly dull, yellow ads for County Federal Savings.

Instead of closing the post with that snoozer, I'm going back to the woman in the garage door ad. I dug around to find the other version I mentioned. Well, I did find other ads for Able Door, but I was wrong--it's NOT the same picture! The best example I found was from a year later, the same "photoview of Long Island" ad feature except it's the 1977 version:

Are they the same woman? The hair sure looks the same. But what happened to her face in the earlier ad? And if it's not the same woman... is that indeed her unretouched face?

I may need to keep digging around... Oh, the mysteries of the Newsday TV Book!

Newsday TV Book, January 26-February 1, 1975.

I have just a handful of TV Book issues for early 1975, some of which I haven't yet looked at in detail. I missed the one for the week just passed (with Robert Blake on the cover--I'll get to it someday, knock on blue plywood paneling like we had in our den at the time) and I'm just catching the tail end of this one, with a freshly un-Sonny-ed Cher on the cover, debuting her own variety gig.
(Click pics to clarify.)

The Bill Kaufman article has plenty about her background, the duo's coupling and uncoupling, and concludes with Cher positing a show for then-daughter Chastity. (This did in fact happen, decades later, but probably wasn't quite what she had in mind.)

In the TV Line column, R.F. of my hometown's often-appended neighbor, Old Bethpage (which I've been told means "old house of figs," which doesn't make a lick of fucking sense), inquires on behalf of a group of curious ner--uh, Trekkies. Also: Lloyd Bridges gets called out as an old, wet show-off; we learn a lot about growly Claude Akins; and just a little about flutey Julie Kavner.

Sunday morning here (mostly for your Abbott & Costello/Bowery Boys fix), and then a bit of Monday afternoon, just for the Pamper Drapery Service ad. That's in my hometown of Plainview, a fact not shared in the ad, strangely. They are indeed still there as of this writing (as Pamper Cleaners), and with the same phone number, no less!

Monday's late schedule comes with a macabre Viskupic drawing to go with the luridly titled "World Hunger! Who Will Survive?" on PBS' Special of the Week.

"That's Not a Thing Anymore" Department: TV servicing!

The Thursday night listings sit alongside an opportunity to get in on the ground floor of the "Zippy the Chimp" business. My grade school pal Jeff, back in our crank-calling heyday, once rang this number and asked to speak to Zippy. The gag went as far as anyone over 14 would expect: click.

"Seeking a profitable franchise investment for you and your spouse? Well, look no further, because Zippy is CHIMPLY THE BEST!!!"

Here's all of Friday, including a Sudduth sketch that does not resemble Lute Jerstad one iota. (If you follow that Wiki-link, you'll see that the featured show came eleven years before Lute's grandson was born, and 23 years before Lute traumatized the hell out of him.)

And now Saturday, with another (not especially inspired) Viskupic illustration, plus some fun John Cashman reviews. Speaking of Robert Blake, Cashman suggests giving Electra Glide in Blue a shot, and I will, when I go to bed tonight (provided it's still on Pluto TV for February).

NEXT-DAY UPDATE: I loved EGiB, although I disagree with Cashman that it could have been a "fine, tight little mystery." The murder was, at best, a contrivance, a means to an end. But I'll admit, I tend to enjoy meandering, uneven, self-indulgently "meaningful" 70's flicks, as long as they're not incompetent. I also enjoyed all the performances, unlike many online reviewers. My chief complaint is that Blake's character development would have benefited from more close-ups. He's an expressive actor, but I felt like we rarely got to see what he was thinking. Anyway, as JC likes to say: try it!

This full-page ad is on the random side, but I enjoy seeing the Abraham & Straus logo, plus I like the art. (Mom, why is the milkman spraying our insulation?)

Finally, the back cover is an ad for regular TV Book advertiser Holiday Spas, which evidently dispensed with its Plainview location sometime the previous autumn. Here they eschew their usual va-va-voom cheesecake pic, unless you're turned on by the barrel-chested, high-belted, high-school-gym-teacher-type (and ye Olde English text).

That's enough of this cockamamie kerfuffle! Check back soon, for more attempted lampoonery!