Newsday TV Books, October 1973.

BOO!

No, I'm not trying to scare you, I'm jeering at the calendar! August always crawls by--even the mild ones like we just had--and then, as we ease into my preferred half of the year, September zips along like a skateboarder all hopped up on C&C Cola and Cosmic Candy! (I know, I know, with the 70's nostalgia, plus the alliteration, it's too much.)

"The Dark Seasons," I call them, never out loud and, in fact, never at all because I just made it up. Autumn and Winter, which I will capitalize now because I don't feel like looking up whether you're supposed to or not for the eight-thousandth time in my life. Just kidding, I totally looked it up, and I'm capitalizing them anyway.

I'm not going to rhapsodize about my love of the cold-weather months. I've probably done it somewhere on this blog already, as I've been at it for 61 years. I would dig up appropriate links for ya, but instead I'll just mention that the search function up there is awful handy, custom-made for a man as lazy as me and a real go-getter such as yourself.

But enough of my foofarawin'--on with October!

AAHH!! Geez, Jack Palance wasn't scary enough, they had to go and slap fangs in his kisser? I'm guessing that whoever put this cover together also did last month's Toma cover. The colors, man. It's like a lesson in graphic design. In 1973. On Long Island.

Palance's puss takes a few shots in Bill Kaufman's article, but what else is new. Jack says he's tired of playing smiling psychopaths, so... he went with Dracula? It was the smiling part he'd had enough of?

Jim Croce turns up in She Lives, Cat Stevens is leukemia-free, and David Frye's career kicks the bucket in this edition of ever-informative TV Line (or as I call it, "Paper Google").

I'm not 100% sure of what Hazeltine does--something involving defense electronics?--but I dig this ad for some reason. They're still around, but now they're a part of BAE Systems, which I believe is run by Pharrell.

Now a bunch of ads spotlighting sales that are allegedly Columbus Day-related, with Chris being portrayed by Jamey Sheridan.

Tuesday's late schedule highlights the premiere of Shaft with a simple Gary Viskupic drawing to go with it. (His head is a gun?)

Here's Thursday afternoon, but more importantly, a different Hicks ad for their animatronic Halloween display, one I may have visited at four-and-a-half years old.

The Thursday late schedule includes a close-up on a CBS Reports about the severe autism of a boy named Terry Egan. I can't find anything about him online, so I would rather just stop looking and assume that, at some point, he became an actor, changed his name to Ethan Hawke and everything after that went about as well as you could hope.

Friday night's counter-programming pitted Palance's Dracula against Fell and Nye. Dammit, TV, why must you be so good?

The "Retarded Children's Telethon" (the Association for the Help of Retarded Children, that is) offers a celeb roster now well-suited for playing "Alive or Dead?" That is, until you reach Enzo Stuarti. I want to say I remember him. (I don't.)

This yellow eye-catcher of a bank ad is on the back of every guide this month, so let's quickly try to read it, zone out completely within two seconds and move along.

The following week showcases The Girl with Something Extra. No, I'm not going to make a Caitlyn Jenner joke, you churl!

Strangely, much of the Bill Kaufman interview focuses on her character's sexuality.

Aunt Bluebell a.k.a. Olive Oyl, Garden City Greek Telly Savalas, and Muppet-esque Mason Reese are among those queried about in the TV Line. There's a question in there about Bill Bixby too, and the answer mentions his wife, Brenda Benet. A dark road lay ahead...

On Monday, a Peanuts election special pushed out Gunsmoke, nearing the end of its incredible run.

A new Dr. Seuss special followed. Did you know it's pronounced "Soice," rhymes with voice? If you didn't, it's okay, as no one seems to care.

Tom Snyder gets a close-up to mark the debut of his early-morning talk show. Reviewer John Cashman tells you exactly what he thinks of The Girl Hunters without actually saying anything.

Here's the late night sched for Wednesday, with a network showing of The Man Who Could Talk to Kids (If He Weren't Legally Prohibited). I made up the subtitle to see if you were paying attention. You weren't, and aren't.

The Shape of Things looks really mod and wow, but what jumped out at me from this page was Burton Gilliam guesting on Love, American Style. I guessed he'd be a half-goofy, half-menacing rube with a creepy smile. I was mostly wrong.

Saturday evening brought lots of choices, including the introduction of Colonel Steve Austin and a light news piece on black cowboys. (And here I thought Laurence Fishburne was the first!)

More coming soon, I hope, cuz I'm falling behind! (Get it? FALLing? Ah, never mind, here's the next cover, showing the Big Apple inexplicably menaced by a giant Greek egg...)