Newsday TV Book, December 11-17, 1977.

Today marks twelve days until Christmas! Now's the time when the fledgling Non-Parader would have been starting to lose his shit, aching with anticipation, to the point of even sneaking into the weird little closet that was behind the door of the upstairs bedroom, hoping for a peek of the secret stash. The barn-doored cubby was situated a couple of feet off the floor, where it made a perfectly terrible hiding spot for my presents--for many years, that bedroom was my very own room! If you were trying to be clever, mom, it didn't work!

I don't know what the deal was with that closet, but I could climb onto mom's hope chest (or whatever the hell was under it) to easily reach it. I would sneak an Xacto knife from dad's basement workshop (big no-no) and a roll of Scotch tape from the catch-all kitchen cabinet. I'd hoist myself onto the chest, open the closet door, and furtively pull a box bearing my name with shaky, sweaty-palmed hands. I'd carefully slice the tape along the edge of the wrapping paper at one end, opening it just enough to see what was inside. Then I'd refold the paper and place a piece of tape precisely the length of the one I had cut directly over it. I think I only did this a few times, until I realized that, in all practicality, this feverish subterfuge benefited me in no way whatsoever. Now I just knew I had a Star Wars toy I couldn't play with for another week-and-a-half.

I've loved It's a Wonderful Life since I first discovered it at age 13 or so, but I can't say I recall It Happened One Christmas, Marlo Thomas' distaff version, from when it originally aired in 1977. I caught bits and pieces on PAX TV (now Ion) twenty years or so ago, and all I remember is that it wasn't very good. Christopher Guest (in the role of the younger brother) was especially terrible, creepily ogling his sister as he made a toast to her during the big finale.

I do like the TV Book cover scene, though. In the story to go with it, Thomas asserts the lead role could be played by a man, or a woman, or... a frog? (If there was an amphibial version in the works, it apparently never emerged from Potter's Swamp.)

The TV Line column addresses these queries: Was Graham Jarvis shut out of the Rocky Horror movie? Was Mariette Hartley too rangy for Playboy? Were Donny and Marie in their right mind? And what were the names of those theatrically-rockin' greaseballs from Columbia University?

The Cable TV Highlights include offerings from Cinema 100, available from the Huntington TV Cable system then, all but forgotten today.

The page with Sunday afternoon listings includes a Viskupic-illustrated close-up for a WPIX special airing that night (filmed at Rahway State Prison in Jersey and featuring "explicit" language), and something on a local UHF station called Mime Dreaming of a White Christmas. I'm cringing already!

This time out, the noseless preggo (as I like to call her) of Dan Howard's Maternity Factory Outlet wore a smock turtleneck with the word "baby" across her boobs, perhaps in rhinestones. Dan Howard was an odd dude.

Merv Griffin interviewed Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (with fellow Transcendental Meditation enthusiasts Burt Reynolds and Doug Henning) for a special that aired on Wednesday night. Interestingly, Newsday chose to run the ad among the Thursday listings. Whoops, too late!
Hometown shout-out: Plainview (-Old Bethpage) Library, woot-woot!

Friday morning listings came with a close-up for Baryshnikov's complex Nutcracker.

Here are the program listings for all day Saturday (with apologies for the morning page, faded somehow, but at least legible). The evening page includes memorable Cashman blurbs for IaWL and Casablanca.

Finally, a couple of ads I liked. First, a full-pager for the New York Hypnosis Center, with a clip art woman who could be mother to one of the Archie gang.

Caruso Masonry's ad has Santa himself, a right jolly old passive-aggressive chimney-shaming elf.

Now sing it with me, a la Paul Shaffer: "Chimney-shaming Santa, got me on the run, chimney-shaming Santa..." What, you don't remember that from Late Night? "Finger-walking Santa"? Well, look it up!
And check back for more holiday shenanigans!