Monday, December 26, 2005

O Holy Crap...

Merry Christmas to you all, the multitude not reading my blog, and also to those who are---X bless you poor dopes. My best gift so far is a bright red, Snuffy Smith-esque pair of long johns (yes, with heinie trap door for outhouse convenience), courtesy of my darling wife.

In the spirit of well-wishing, here are some of the more interesting entries from the Newsday TV books of my youth, which featured holiday greetings from various celebrities at yuletide. I got these issues on eBay, from 1980, '81, and '84. Some greetings are shameless plugs for whatever forgettable crap show they were on at the time, some are bizarre fruitcakey Hollywood platitudes, and some are just bizarre. Among my favorites (and you can decide what category they fall into):

"It doesn't matter if you're in the 25th century or the 20th---a very merry Christmas to all...
--Gil Gerard (Buck Rogers), 1980

"Sam and I hope that all the truckers who have to drive on Christmas day find a way to be with their families..."
--Greg Evigan (BJ and the Bear), 1980 [Yes, Sam was the chimp.]

"Hoping your Christmas tree is not related to Bob Campbell."
--Jay Johnson (Soap ventriloquist), 1980

"Mele Kalikimaka E Hauoli Makahiki Hou."
--Tom Selleck, 1980 [I believe that's Hawaiian for "free mustache rides for the ladies."]

"Since this year I'll spend Christmas in Las Vegas, I want to wish everyone happy holidays and lots of luck."
--Bart Braverman (Vegas), 1980 [He was the unshaven, bug-eyed sidekick.]

"Merry Christmas, happy '82, and let's hope 'The Doctors'' ratings go through the roof."
--Amy Ingersoll (The Doctors), 1981 [Amy joined the cast in '81; the show was canceled shortly thereafter.]

"On my planet, the equivalent to 'seasons greetings' is 'Pre-ta-nama' (peace on earth)."
--Robert Englund (V), 1984 [What is your planet's equivalent to "on indefinite hiatus"?]

"Make nice world."
--Jamie Farr, 1980

"Seasons Greetings and may the joy of Jesus come to you all."
--Danielle Brisbois (Archie Bunker's Place), 1980

"This greeting is for all those parents who had to take out a loan to buy their kids computerized toys for Christmas. May the computers at the bank foul up and mark them all paid in full."
--Alan King, 1980

"In order to save time: Merry Christmas for the next three years."
--Dick Cavett, 1980 [This was the year Dick got ECT (electroconvulsive therapy), so perhaps he wanted to "save time" in case he ended up in an extended catatonic state.]

Many people have said it many times. But now I forget what they said. Merry Christmas anyway."
--George Gobel (Harper Valley), 1981

"Oh God, who by the leading of a star didst manifest the only begotten son to the peoples of the earth: lead us, who know thee now by faith, to thy presense [sic], where we may behold thy glory face to face; through the same Jesus Christ our lord, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen."
--Polly ["Kisseth my grits"] Holliday (Flo), 1980

"I hope Christmas 1984 is a particularly memorable one and that we'll all be able to survive another four years under President Reagan."
--Brian Patrick Clarke (General Hospital), 1984

"I gladly wish everybody else a merry Christmas, if a merry Christmas is what they insist upon... I'll settle for a relaxed Christmas."
--Jan Michael Vincent (Airwolf), 1984 [Anyone else get the feeling that Jan Michael's relaxed Christmas involves four bottles of Dewar's and some hippopotamus tranquilizers?]

"Have a very very merry merry!"
--Gary Coleman, 1981

"Merry Christmas to all but two."
--Carroll O'Connor (Archie Bunker's Place), 1981 [Meaning, of course, Martin Balsam and Anne Meara.]

"Holidays are like mirrors. You only get the reflection of what you put into them. Please let your mirror reflect love, tolerance and happiness this year."
--Ken Kercheval (Dallas), 1981

"We are more than equal; we are each other."
--Eileen Brennan (Private Benjamin), 1981

"I hope everyone gets to see Bruce Springsteen in concert at least once in their lifetime!"
--Catherine Bach (Dukes of Hazzard), 1984 [Wow. What a fucking nitwit.]

"Let's give ourselves the Christmas gift of an open horizon toward which we shall run, unchained to any self-imposed limitations."
--Madge Sinclair (Trapper John), 1981

"I wish for the end of world hunger by the year 2000, which is my goal as youth chairperson for the World Hunger Project."
--Mindy Cohn (Facts of Life), 1984 [Insert your joke here.]

A special wish for the children of our hostages--may their fathers be home for Christmas!
--Miss Mary Ann Pedersen (Romper Room), 1980

"Merry Christmas, happy Chanukah and a happy new year from Flapper, Sherlock and all of us in 'The Magic Garden!'"
--Paula Janis and Carole Demas, 1981

"May your holiday season be like a game of PAC-MAN, long and exciting."
--J.D. Roth (Wonderama), 1981

"Merry Christmas and happy new year to all the boys in the sanitation department and their families!"
--Al Fulgoni (PM Magazine), 1981

"So far, the the holiday season has been adequate."
--Stewart Klein (WNEW news curmudgeon), 1980

"I hope you get what's coming to you."
--Stewart Klein, 1981

"May Bloomingdale's computer charge your gift buying to your ex-spouse's account. Merry Christmas!"
--Jim Jensen (late WCBS newsguy and troubled cokehead and/or boozehound), 1981

"May the coal in your stocking be a result of the energy shortage."
--Roger Grimsby (WABC news guy), 1980

"...[I]f you believe in God and go to his [sic] house, he will eventually come to your house. The more religion and belief in God, then the more peace on earth and less [sic] problems."
--Warner Wolf, WCBS news sports guy, 1980

"May 1981 bring to each Long Islander the benefits of prosperity... and the wisdom to use those benefits for the good of all."
--Bill O'Reilly [Long Islander and reason to hate all Long Islanders], 1980

"Personal Happiness... professional success... and the time to enjoy both."
--Jessica Savitch, 1980 [Click link and read her Wikipedia entry if you don't fully appreciate the irony of this one...]

"Look around you and notice what is both miraculous and deficient about life. We have created all this for ourselves. Deep down what man and womankind really want to do is express their love for one another, across a room, a city, a state, a continent, an ocean. I wish that I... that we all can fill our world with all the love we are capable of so there will be no room for anything else. It is the ultimate, irresistable miracle, the way to create peace on earth. I love you."
--Herb Edelman (Ladies Man), 1980 [I knew him best as Big John of "Big John, Little John." Now I know him as "Coo-coo! Coo-coo!"]

--Charles Osgood, 1980


Blogger MO'SH said...

I see that many of the "celebrities" offering their well-wishes appeared on the ill-fated Bill Cullen game show Chain Reaction. It was probably that smart remark by Brian Patrick Clarke that doomed the series!

Mon Dec 26, 02:45:00 PM 2005  

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