Newsday TV Book, May 22-28, 1983.

It's a cool, blustery, wet Memorial Day weekend here in your Non-Parader's neck of the literal woods, so what better time than now to indulge in some pointless nostalgia? Oh, who the hell am I kidding--there's always room for pointless nostalgia!

The issue at hand (again, literally) is perfect in that respect, as it's my favorite kind of nostalgia: vintage nostalgia! Here we see that the folks of the early 1980's were pining for the footlights of yore, namely the ones of New York City's Palace Theatre, in this two-hour Sunday night ABC special, Parade of Stars. The storied venue was 70 years old at that point, and remarkably, it's still going strong. (The current production there is a musical based on The Lost Boys, Bob help us all.)

The celebs of the day portrayed the legends of Vaudeville's yesteryear. For example, Ann Reinking and Pam Dawber cosplayed as the Dolly Sisters. (For god's sake, ABC, I know it's a sweeps month, but give the other networks a fighting chance!) The striking Art Sudduth cover prominently features Uncle Miltie, who played himself (not seen: Uncle Miltie's schlong, also playing himself), and the second instance of blackface I can recall seeing in these pages, always a little jarring to see these days.

The last page of the cover story has the Local Cable TV listings, including the Carl Bruno Music Show, and yes, Carl is on YouTube.

In the TV Line: lots of info on Tom Skerritt, confusion over the fates of Wednesday and Buffy, and the least-flattering photo of Missy Gold imaginable.

Critical harridan Harriet Van Horne laments cable vulgarisms and cattily points out Marilyn Monroe's original nose in her always-incisive column.

Here's a bit of the Sunday afternoon listings, really just for the North Shore Animal League ad touting Yankees jackets for adopters. (Sometimes the freebie was Arby's coupons. I'm not a baseball fan, but from what I've heard about this season, Yanks fans might prefer the discount on curly fries.)

More Sunday listings, again for the ad. The actual Madison Square Garden doesn't get a mention in this MSG ad for the cable channel, which touts their eclectic schedule, from Andy Warhol TV to wrestling, The Avengers to roller derby.

Here's the late Sunday/early Monday listings. I think I scanned this only because we see The Last of Sheila on the WABC Sunday Night Movie, which I have a recording of from just two years later. (See a little of it right HERE on my Hugo Faces YT channel! I'm no Carl Bruno, but there's some fun stuff there, check it out!)

It's still a week from the holiday, but here's all day Monday, just to see what was shown on a typical weekday. I think the Square Pegs episode (being rerun against Meatballs on channel 9) is the one with Bill Murray, which I recently tried to watch because I remembered it being the best of the short-lived series. Tip: don't bother watching any episode of Square Pegs, ever. It's awful, and SJP was a wretched actress at that age.

And now, all day Saturday? Is it your birthday, or what?

The Off-Camera column goes like this in my head: Blah blah blah, Lulu Roman lost a hundred pounds, blah blah blah...

This summer-anticipating ad page is titled "Vacation in Your Own Backyard!!!" You know, a backyard vacation with scuba diving lessons (free lobsters, nice!) and discounted Lladro figurines...

This back page ad features the "mama" of Carbo Concord Oil saying "You can bank on it!" I don't know if that's really the family matriarch, but she's probably no longer around--unlike the business, still at the same Lawrence address after 95 years!

Alright, that's it, enjoy your weekend! Here's a bonus page from ten years earlier, just for this message: Drive safely, and keep your eyes away from that pointy steering wheel ornament, just in case--I'm talking to YOU, Mr. Yes I Can!