The Fantasy Trip, Part One (1979 Newsday TV Books, March 18-24)

It's the onset of a new year (well... it was when I originally wrote this), and I figured I'd stick with the anniversary thing as far as blog posts go and spend most of my time nostalgically ruminating on 1979. I only have a few Newsday TV Book television listings from that year, so I thought that in addition to covering the usual features, I'd also look at them through the lens of a collector's fantasy that has occurred to me often.

Let me explain the premise of my time-travel fantasy. (No, not the one where I go back and shtup Emily Dickinson--although from time to time I still dust that off, so to speak). I mean one of my nostalgia addict fantasies. There are several--all impossible, of course, and yet somehow they reside on different planes of absurdity--but for now I'm talking about a very specific idea. Here it is: I have awakened on what should have been my fiftieth birthday. (This dubious milestone is in fact occurring later this very week.) I think I am emerging from a dream about my childhood bedroom, but I gradually realize that no, that's exactly where I am. I have somehow time-slipped back to the day of my 8th birthday, in 1977. Other than my adult consciousness existing in my young body, everything is exactly the same as this long-ago occasion.

I chose this particular date because that would be about a month-and-a-half prior to the release of Star Wars, the insatiable obsession of five whole years of my youth, thus allowing me to begin collecting SW-related junk well before anyone realized it would become its own industry. Of course, I'd need to fund this collection, which would mean a lot less TV-watching. (Not such a big deal, I guess, since I've already seen what I've seen and thus can safely skip additional viewings of that brain-damaging pile of shit Scooby-Doo.) I would need to perform more household chores for a proper allowance, maybe take on a Newsday route and some minor landscaping gigs with neighbors, none of which ever happened back in the day because I was too busy studying every Our Gang film on channel 5 by observing each one at least a hundred times.

Upon accepting my new reality (and let's just say I'm quickly able to, although in fact I often have trouble with real reality), there are many issues immediately at hand. First I think of my wife. I'll miss her, but there's nothing I can do about it. What am I gonna do, go find her? Let's imagine that scenario: "Long Island boy, 8, runs away from home to Ohio, says he's intent on stalking a six-year-old girl he's never met. Unclear how he knows of her, has no answer for what he intends to do if he finds her. Sent to mental hospital for evaluation."

Would I be able to look at my parents without crying? They don't know they've been dead for years, so if I don't knock off the boo-hooing pretty quickly, boom--mental hospital. (Boy, isn't that just the way it goes with time-travel?) Oh shit! I have to endure school again! Good luck dealing with Mrs. A______, my 7th Grade English teacher, who was in over her head by at least two grades. I wasn't even successful at holding my tongue back then: She once wrote "Whose this?" next to a face my friend had doodled on his test paper, and when I pointed it out just to jokingly razz her a little bit, she argued that it was correct. After minutes of trying to explain why it wasn't, I finally had to walk away. And she was one of my more tolerable teachers!

The idea of being perpetually surrounded by children is one I've found distasteful at pretty much every stage of my life. I wasn't overly fond of them even when I belonged to their smelly, sticky ranks. Now I'd have no choice but to immerse myself and have daily conversations with them. I can imagine longing for the day they can at least semi-coherently parrot the dull opinions of their idiot parents. 

Yep, far too many abstruse implications to mentally navigate with this theme, so let us stick to the superficial, shall we? As I said, I have a mere handful of '79 Newsday TV Books, so I'm going to forego the 1977 setting and look at those instead. The first one I have is from the week of my tenth birthday, with the Dukes on the cover (a show I never ever watched, by the way):

As I scan these pages like I normally do in my overviews (see: eight billion previous posts), I'll make a note of what I would record if my current psyche was in my then-small-yet-pudgy-body. I guess I'd have to buy a VCR with my earnings (my family wouldn't own one for another five years), which would have taken a sizeable chunk of change back then--not to mention that tapes were about fifteen bucks a pop! I might also make a case to my folks for getting cable a couple years early, and God knows what that ran. Anyway, the TV listings...

It’s an especially dumb TV Line this time out, with questions about Latka’s language, that unknown actor who plays J.R., and the soap opera credits attributable to ABBA and the singer for the Islanders (which would be zero, despite what the husband of J.M. from Bellmore thinks).

 

The familiar ads for the famed North Shore Animal League usually hawked free gifts for adopters, but this one instead barked, “Puppy Circus Today! Tonight!” What the fuck does this mean? Were they putting puppies on a trapeze? Shooting them from cannons? Dressing them up like clowns—my god, now that’s inhumane!

There are multiple hypnosis ads in this issue, generally targeting overeating and smoking. How about
a program for losing that atrocious Long Island accent, or driving less maniacally on the LIE?

The Cheryl Ladd film about child abuse mentioned in the new column “Off Camera” ended up being When She Was Bad, premiering that November. Also getting mentions are E. Duke Vincent and cigar-maker’s son William S. Paley.

 

First thing Sunday morning, on WNET (the noted PBS station perhaps better known as just “channel 13”), was the Laurel and Hardy movie Way Out West. Reviewer John Cashman opined, “L&H fans will swallow it whole. Others will not.” While I liked March of the Wooden Soldiers and a few shorts, I never went out of my way to watch their movies, so I don’t know that I would record this. The fact that it would include a station sign-on is a big plus, however. As far as comedy teams go, I would definitely record some of the long-running Sunday afternoon Abbott & Costello movies off WPIX, particularly when they met Frankenstein and went to Mars. The films of the Bowery Boys I could do without, but again, the WNEW airings were such a mainstay that I’d probably collect a few. I don’t think Angels with Dirty Faces really counts as a BB entry (especially since that was when they were being billed as the Dead End Kids), but I did enjoy it, so I’d snag that at some point.

 
I might record this off-season showing of King Kong, but the traditional Thanksgiving Day airing would be a must. Here we get the Cashman review accompanied by a Gary Viskupic illustration. 

 

Maybe it’s just something about that font, but only in the 70’s could the name of a ceramic tile warehouse seem like it had a naughty connotation.

Another new feature in the TV Book is this ratings list of the top twenty shows. This was also around the time the average person mysteriously took an interest in box office results, and the arts have suffered ever since.

On Sunday night’s Mary Tyler Moore Hour, Mary and guest star Bonnie Franklin are arrested for jay-walking outside the studio while dressed as Little Bo Peep and Little Red Riding Hood. Sounds excruciating, even with Henny Youngman on hand. So, yeah, I'd totally tape it.

 (Big Hat = Comedy, and if you disagree you can take it up with Ms. Bonnie Franklin.)

I associate late Sunday nights on NYC TV with David Susskind, so I might tape this night’s show, with paparazzi as the main topic. I’d love to catch the first airing of the “How to Be a Jewish Son” episode, with Mel Brooks and George Segal, who nearly garrotes himself with the microphone cord when he enthusiastically leaps from his seat while singing (if memory serves) “I Wish I Could Shimmy Like My Sister Kate"; that one was repeated endlessly during Susskind’s run. [Non-Parader's Note: I just added the link to the show, and I was right about the song but wrong about the garroting. It wasn't that bad, just yanked him back a little.] There’s also a Carry On movie at midnight—never watched one, don't know anyone who did, so no thanks.

Monday morning, WNBC starts the day with a program about coal’s use in aerospace, followed by a Not For Women Only titled “Infant / Schoolboy.” Hmm. Again, I'd like to have the sign-on, but I might look for something that sounds a bit catchier.

At 6 PM, WWHT 68 had the Uncle Floyd Show. 1979 is a bit before I started watching Floyd’s low-budget UHF antics, but the question remains: Would I attempt to record the show daily? That’s a lot of tape, especially considering there’s no way I’m editing out those local New Jersey bargain basement commercials. (Yes, I'm talking about you, $2.98 camera.) Of course, I seem to recall a lot of those ads being replayed quite frequently, so zapping redundancies would be possible. So, yes, record them all! 

Alright, I'm pretty much gonna call it a day as far as potential recordings go, but here are a few more items I found worthy of scanning...

I must mention that late Friday has a couple of horror flicks I'd record (although the TVB categorizes them as "Weird" and "Thriller").

For the sake of having as comprehensive a collection of Viskupic art as possible, here's his drawing for a women's tennis tournament, but he's clearly phoning it in.

COME BACK SOON, I'LL HAVE ANOTHER ISSUE FOR YOUR PERUSAL AT THE END OF APRIL! MAYBE I'LL EVEN EXPLAIN WHY THESE POSTS ARE TITLED "THE FANTASY TRIP" AT SOME POINT,  WHICH I REALLY SHOULD DO SINCE IT'S A PRETTY DAMN OBSCURE REFERENCE! SEE YA!