Missed it by This Much...

Yeah, I almost finished out the full year of 1972 Newsday TV Books, but I was too damn busy to write up a post for the very last one of the year (with Guy Lombardo on the cover). What the hell, here it is:

Now that I've got more time, I'm still deciding if I'm going to continue the Newsday TV Book theme. I figure I should since they're such a rare commodity, plus there's some great covers and stuff coming up for 1973. But it actually takes a lot of work putting that together, so we'll see.

When I began my nostalgia collecting in earnest, I thought I'd stick with the seventies, as that was where my fuzziest and favorite memories were. Early on I'd reject anything from the 80's, until at some point I thought, well, I was still in Catholic school then, so I made 1983 my cut-off point. Years later, I decided to stretch it out through my reviled high school years to '87, and soon I went ahead and included all of the eighties.

I just bought a bunch of old tapes from a Goodwill, and after dunking them in a vat of Purell I took a look at  them and found they were recordings of 90's TV. God help me if I get nostalgic for that era. I don't even want to dig deeper, because if I find some interesting commercials I'll be on the hook, and I really don't have the room for another decade in my new nerd room. (I could do without the phrase "man cave," and besides it doesn't exactly suit a small windowless cell with ample shelving stocked with bins of busted Star Wars toys, old TV Guides and crates of dusty VHS.)

Anyway, I was deleting old, irrelevant documents from my computer and found something I wrote in 1999. It's the text from the first auction I listed on eBay. I jokingly put up a random supermarket purchase just to test the waters, I guess. My reason for reproducing it here is not as clear, although I did, while the auction was active, post a link to it on the Soul Coughing message board, where another poster described it as "the best spam ever." So somebody thinks it's funny (I guess). And yes, you really can buy a whole chicken sealed in a giant can. You can, but you shouldn't. It's revolting, as I will further describe shortly.

Chicken in a Can! Peculiar! Delicious! NRFC!
[That is, "Never Removed From Can." A little auction humor for ya.]
Collectibles: Weird Stuff: General

Currently $0.99 (reserve not yet met)

First bid: $0.69 / Quantity: 1 / # of bids: 6

Location: beautiful downtown Portland, Oregon

Started 08/19/99 / Ends 08/26/99

Seller: simio

High bid: lucys.

Description:

Chicken Ready™ chicken in a can is ready for you to eat! 50 whopping ounces of chickeny goodness, packed in a savory broth. Yes, it's an entire cotton-pickin' chicken (sans giblets---sorry, giblet fans!) in its original Atlapac can. It has been "inspected for wholesomeness" by both the U.S. Department of Agriculture and myself. It is quite a versatile food item. You may eat it hot or cold, in soups or sandwiches, fully-clothed or in the buff. Just don't heat it in the can! I'm talking to YOU, careless hobos!

Mystify your friends with this edible, collectible, displayable treat. Makes for a good last-resort munchie. Lucky high bidder to pay shipping, money orders preferred. Seller not responsible for resultant botulism, salmonella, or trauma from sight of an unfortunate line-worker's severed, bloated thumb. Thanks! Tell your friends!

[I later added this helpful info.]

Straight from the chicken's mouth (or beak, not included): "SERVING SUGGESTIONS: Salads and Sandwiches: Meat may be removed from bones and combined with ingredients such as mayonnaise, dressings, olives, relish, spices, celery and onions. Soups: Broth is delicious when used to prepare Chicken Rice or Chicken Vegetable soups. May also be used in place of water in preparing foods such as rice."

I should probably point out that this Chicken (which, I believe I may have mentioned, is in a can) is NOT a significant source of dietary fiber, sugars, vitamin A, vitamin C, or calcium. So if that's your bag, don't bother. I don't think the feet are in there, either, but you can get those on the buffet at Great China, NW Davis and Third. (The prairie oysters are good there, too.)

The label on the can is a fine brick-red, with seven smiling cartoon chickens in a line, evidently preparing to be canned. The hefty can itself is four inches across and seven inches tall. I will personally sponge the dust and crud off the top if you so desire. There is a series of cryptic alphanumerics on the top which I will not repeat here. (The Man's got enough on me as it is!)

There is also a recipe here on the label for "Delectable Chicken and Dumplings." Oh boy, that sounds good! Think I'll have some right now! Oops, I forgot. I can't eat this... YOU'RE going to buy it!

By the way, "lucys.," a.k.a. Lucy Starcrest, a.k.a. my friend Jen, was indeed the high bidder on my Chicken in a Can. So a bunch of us got together and opened it up one intoxicated evening. We were horrified at the shrunken, pallid, decrepit specimen that plopped out, its meat sliding sickeningly off the bleached bones without provocation. This thing looked like a pigeon version of a veal, not only cruelly raised right there in the can but perhaps even partially submerged in the viscous, smelly broth. It was all we could do to keep from heaving. Thank god we hadn't impetuously stocked up the Y2K shelter before giving it the once-over. Do not try this at home. Or anywhere. Ever.