Helpless Crotchface Imp, Indeed.
...I cannot promise you
I've said goodbye to childish things /
There's still some pretty insults left
and such sport in threatening
---Elvis Costello, "Little Atoms"
"I USE THESE WORDS TO DESCRIBE MIKE O'SHAUGHNESSY."
I've said goodbye to childish things /
There's still some pretty insults left
and such sport in threatening
---Elvis Costello, "Little Atoms"
"I USE THESE WORDS TO DESCRIBE MIKE O'SHAUGHNESSY."
So begins the list of epithets, seen above, found in my seventh grade school notebook, composed by Jeff G. and myself with two or three contributions in unfamiliar hands. I reproduce it here in its entirety, all 322 obloquies (minus numerous redundant entries), to preserve the mindset of an abusive, snot-nosed, homophobic pre-teen punk circa 1982. I'm fairly certain this was compiled before we were exposed to George Carlin's extensive cuss list on his HBO special. (Please note that the first page has an empty column with the heading "Good Things About Mike." What a coupla assholes.)
I had this list up on an old site for a long time, but it's been gone a while so I thought I'd throw it back up here. I was reminded of it recently when Jeff emailed me this list someone found in a third grade classroom which details the myriad varieties of bitches. If that list is indeed the work of some DC eight-year-old, well, the twelve-year-old me feels mighty schooled. Ours is still pretty good though.
Poor spelling and odd punctuation have been left intact, with occasional bracketed comments as I saw fit (parenthetical notes are original). While there are many questionable entries, I put a question mark after the ones I really have no explanation for.
Be sure to read Mike's response to the list, at the bottom, along with the hate mail I got from some guy, apparently in response to the list. Away we go...
faggot
obnoxious
asshole
retard
moron
gay
fairie
sissy
pussy shit
whimp
jerk
ass wipe
panty waste
bubble brain
air head
jerk off
jack off
homo
fool
schmuck
short
dumb
shit nipple
shit face
shit brain
shit mouth
shit person
shit head
flakey
coo-coo
sex-fiend
pussy-fart
scum
mongoloid
pervert
weakling
baby
dick
dick face
dip shit
dip stick
fart
stinky
albino
crumb
bum
urine head
penis breath
2 face
snot
booger ball
jack ass
twerp
twit
twat
duck lips
nimble nuts
micro minded
shallow
puney
dingy
dizzy
talentless
cluck
stupid
simple
xerox [meaning unoriginal]
druggie
pothead [how prophetic!]
hair brain
schitzophrenic
zit face
rock head
hoser
emble man [???]
Polish (polack)
dimwit
brainless
testie [meaning 'teste,' I assume]
led head [?]
slime
girly
slave
prejudice [?]
"tiny"
bucket of shit
fuck face [written larger than others]
ugly
pathetic
sorry
sad
drip
dirt
scumsucker
geek
pee head
mold head
numb nuts
used toilet paper
slop bucket
pig breath
freak
weirdo
Rely tampon
deuche-head
wet-nose [?]
soggy brained
slob
masher
extra-terrestal (close enough!)
pencil-necked geek
lead ass
vegetable
quirk of nature
prick
pimp [?]
barnacle-brain
myron
waste
common trash
flem (or phlegm) [interesting distinction]
squirmy
greaseball
grimy
monkey meat
spit
low life
shorty
dribble
puke licker
doggie doo
rust
queer
worm
gopher guts
loser
gigolo
lump
fungus
athletes foot
germ
smelly old sock
wet fart
algae
molecule
dildo
pekinese-face
crud
crap
vomit
vermin
parasite
potatohead
garbage
kinky
martian
pain-in-the-ass
infantile
D.O.A.
double panty-waist
mealy mouthed
lame brained
mud
slush
armpit
stoolie
cueball [?]
crude
coccus
cheap shit
ear wax
trash can
jam brain
fruit cake
sicko
udder
playing witout a full deck
B.O.
weed
egg head
gummy
wise ass
poop
meat head
toilet breath
ass pick
hemmeroid
invalid
unusual
peculiar
confused
sleazy
foul
disgusting
dirty
rotten
unpleasant
chicken shit
just plain old chicken
turkey
canary
door knob
flat tire
game over
pee wee
tree stump
"rock"
pot hole
sewer brain
bed wetter
flake
hocker
piglet
goop
weasel
virus
diseased
croup
Mr. Mastabation
mentally bent
pubic hair
seedy
dandruff
unfortunate
princess
mistake
mishap
accident
deceased
not all there
gay lord
lesi
pretty [?!?]
pore
poor
Compound W
muck head
minor mind
pecker
bird guts
wart
living abortion
Jerry's kid
birth defect
saliva
looney tune
hockey puck
emotional wreck [no wonder!]
garbage truck
nuclear waste
mucus mind
freckle
ding dong
litter
bad joke
cow sperm
ink blotch
nuisance
ferret-face
moldy orange
slug
comatose
friendless
nomad
porpoise pus
ignoramus
pollywog
stooge
Smurfy [too true...]
beatnik [?]
vile
epleptic
strange
odd
out of the ordinary
doggie
rat
nipple head
thorn in my side
bottom of the barrel
foolish
tuddball [?]
pimple
annoyance
sinis supremes [?]
illogical
bother
cowchip
dope
idiot
penis membrane
tampon breath
ass bucket
stilts
crap head
odor
helpless
crotch face
imp
shrodz [?]
moronic
bimpore [?]
foot print
cancer
horse scum
[symbol for null set]
mickey
numbskull
putz
insuperior [I imagine JG meant 'inferior']
lousy
wormshit
peckerhead
cocksucker
mother fucker
nipple juice
cock-knocker
pocket pinball player
ingrown toenail
sappy
faggot-ass
yellow snow
Mike responds, twenty years later:
asshole
retard
moron
gay
fairie
sissy
pussy shit
whimp
jerk
ass wipe
panty waste
bubble brain
air head
jerk off
jack off
homo
fool
schmuck
short
dumb
shit nipple
shit face
shit brain
shit mouth
shit person
shit head
flakey
coo-coo
sex-fiend
pussy-fart
scum
mongoloid
pervert
weakling
baby
dick
dick face
dip shit
dip stick
fart
stinky
albino
crumb
bum
urine head
penis breath
2 face
snot
booger ball
jack ass
twerp
twit
twat
duck lips
nimble nuts
micro minded
shallow
puney
dingy
dizzy
talentless
cluck
stupid
simple
xerox [meaning unoriginal]
druggie
pothead [how prophetic!]
hair brain
schitzophrenic
zit face
rock head
hoser
emble man [???]
Polish (polack)
dimwit
brainless
testie [meaning 'teste,' I assume]
led head [?]
slime
girly
slave
prejudice [?]
"tiny"
bucket of shit
fuck face [written larger than others]
ugly
pathetic
sorry
sad
drip
dirt
scumsucker
geek
pee head
mold head
numb nuts
used toilet paper
slop bucket
pig breath
freak
weirdo
Rely tampon
deuche-head
wet-nose [?]
soggy brained
slob
masher
extra-terrestal (close enough!)
pencil-necked geek
lead ass
vegetable
quirk of nature
prick
pimp [?]
barnacle-brain
myron
waste
common trash
flem (or phlegm) [interesting distinction]
squirmy
greaseball
grimy
monkey meat
spit
low life
shorty
dribble
puke licker
doggie doo
rust
queer
worm
gopher guts
loser
gigolo
lump
fungus
athletes foot
germ
smelly old sock
wet fart
algae
molecule
dildo
pekinese-face
crud
crap
vomit
vermin
parasite
potatohead
garbage
kinky
martian
pain-in-the-ass
infantile
D.O.A.
double panty-waist
mealy mouthed
lame brained
mud
slush
armpit
stoolie
cueball [?]
crude
coccus
cheap shit
ear wax
trash can
jam brain
fruit cake
sicko
udder
playing witout a full deck
B.O.
weed
egg head
gummy
wise ass
poop
meat head
toilet breath
ass pick
hemmeroid
invalid
unusual
peculiar
confused
sleazy
foul
disgusting
dirty
rotten
unpleasant
chicken shit
just plain old chicken
turkey
canary
door knob
flat tire
game over
pee wee
tree stump
"rock"
pot hole
sewer brain
bed wetter
flake
hocker
piglet
goop
weasel
virus
diseased
croup
Mr. Mastabation
mentally bent
pubic hair
seedy
dandruff
unfortunate
princess
mistake
mishap
accident
deceased
not all there
gay lord
lesi
pretty [?!?]
pore
poor
Compound W
muck head
minor mind
pecker
bird guts
wart
living abortion
Jerry's kid
birth defect
saliva
looney tune
hockey puck
emotional wreck [no wonder!]
garbage truck
nuclear waste
mucus mind
freckle
ding dong
litter
bad joke
cow sperm
ink blotch
nuisance
ferret-face
moldy orange
slug
comatose
friendless
nomad
porpoise pus
ignoramus
pollywog
stooge
Smurfy [too true...]
beatnik [?]
vile
epleptic
strange
odd
out of the ordinary
doggie
rat
nipple head
thorn in my side
bottom of the barrel
foolish
tuddball [?]
pimple
annoyance
sinis supremes [?]
illogical
bother
cowchip
dope
idiot
penis membrane
tampon breath
ass bucket
stilts
crap head
odor
helpless
crotch face
imp
shrodz [?]
moronic
bimpore [?]
foot print
cancer
horse scum
[symbol for null set]
mickey
numbskull
putz
insuperior [I imagine JG meant 'inferior']
lousy
wormshit
peckerhead
cocksucker
mother fucker
nipple juice
cock-knocker
pocket pinball player
ingrown toenail
sappy
faggot-ass
yellow snow
Mike responds, twenty years later:
You crumb. You bum. You albino crumb bum. I recall the list vividly. Circulating from gawker to contributor and so on. The miserly scrawl. The horrendous misspellings. The awe now at recognizing phrases I thought I'd only recently encountered. "Why, I've known that word all along!" The list exists as a sort of Rosetta Stone of a questionably misspent youth. I feel like Detective Kujan comprehending his bulletin board after Verbal Kint's spiel. Its Joycean results amaze me.
Micro-minded dirty canary. It reads like a surrealist manifesto without the pretension. The list says nothing but this: "We consider Mike O'Shaughnessy to be..."
The fun was in the compilation of terms. Certainly any attempt at insult was lost on me; I believe I even contributed to the list. Everyone wanted to be a part of the list-making, except for the girls, who viewed us with benign amusement and amused disgust. [Editor's note: Comparing handwriting in the list to confirmed O'Shaughnessy samples elsewhere in my notebook suggests that Mike's meager yet undeniably pithy contributions were "cancer" and "horse scum." This may remain unverifiable, however, as I seem to recall Chris Ingram adding a few terms but have nothing else in his handwriting to compare it with.]
[Whoops! This just in, from Mike... "Erratum: Indeed, Chris Ingram, not I, contributed "cancer" and "horse scum" to the list. Why I remember that, I don't know. Horse scum?" As the only other entry in a foreign hand ("ding dong") is clearly not Mike's writing, perhaps he only suggested entries and Jeff or I recorded them. Or, more likely, ignored them. Mike continues:]
Thanks to Paul Saur for unearthing the list so that future generations of dopey grade-schoolers may draw inspiration from its mammoth contents.
My favorite triumvirate? Freckle ding dong litter. [Editor's note: I had asked Mike to pick his favorite consecutive triumvirate of aspersions. For the record, mine is probably "hocker piglet goop," with "helpless crotch face imp" a close second. Strike that. Reverse it.]
Some time after putting the list up, I received a bizarre e-mail from one G_____ C___ Fat that seemed to take issue with it... I think. I present it here in its entirety, omitting only the e-mail address he gives at the end.
[subject heading:] "IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT"
Micro-minded dirty canary. It reads like a surrealist manifesto without the pretension. The list says nothing but this: "We consider Mike O'Shaughnessy to be..."
The fun was in the compilation of terms. Certainly any attempt at insult was lost on me; I believe I even contributed to the list. Everyone wanted to be a part of the list-making, except for the girls, who viewed us with benign amusement and amused disgust. [Editor's note: Comparing handwriting in the list to confirmed O'Shaughnessy samples elsewhere in my notebook suggests that Mike's meager yet undeniably pithy contributions were "cancer" and "horse scum." This may remain unverifiable, however, as I seem to recall Chris Ingram adding a few terms but have nothing else in his handwriting to compare it with.]
[Whoops! This just in, from Mike... "Erratum: Indeed, Chris Ingram, not I, contributed "cancer" and "horse scum" to the list. Why I remember that, I don't know. Horse scum?" As the only other entry in a foreign hand ("ding dong") is clearly not Mike's writing, perhaps he only suggested entries and Jeff or I recorded them. Or, more likely, ignored them. Mike continues:]
Thanks to Paul Saur for unearthing the list so that future generations of dopey grade-schoolers may draw inspiration from its mammoth contents.
My favorite triumvirate? Freckle ding dong litter. [Editor's note: I had asked Mike to pick his favorite consecutive triumvirate of aspersions. For the record, mine is probably "hocker piglet goop," with "helpless crotch face imp" a close second. Strike that. Reverse it.]
Some time after putting the list up, I received a bizarre e-mail from one G_____ C___ Fat that seemed to take issue with it... I think. I present it here in its entirety, omitting only the e-mail address he gives at the end.
[subject heading:] "IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT"
Since the typical human being is selfish and likes to treat others selfishly they involve themselves into affecting the lives of strangers. For selfish reasons. They like to make innocents negative and resentful and choose to participate in human distortion and discord. For the purpose of hurt and pain. All because the typical human being is selfish.
The typical human being is also difficient in self esteem and maturity and autonomy and individuality and independence. They are really needy overgrown crybabies that need their colicky pains alleviated. It wouldn't be so bad except that selfishness and immaturity sometimes corrupt. Making these people self destructive and also immoral. The corruptions of the selfish affected many innocents and made many of those innocents negative, immature, and selfish themselves. Many of these people expect everyone to also behave selfish, immature, negative, and self destructive, involve themselves into the personal lives of strangers, and pretty much live ridiculous. Most of the human condition is ridiculous because of these people.
Insults: Sketchy irresponsible goofy anal monkey
infantile nerd colicky poop prissy cunt little shit of the universe
Shit joke shit boy
Shit of the universe embarrassment
Anal faggot telepathic nigger animal loser
Inferiority complex overgrown crybaby fagboy
Black sheep cunt bitch shit of the universe
dumbfuck shit boy loser shit joke
pathetic ignorant insectoid stack of worthless shit
Intrusive selfish inferiority complex loser
Pathetic anal shit monkey buffoon asshole
Annoying inferior pest shit boy nerdling clod
Competitive shit boy pussy loser faggot bitch
Couldn't own and control even a worthless piece of shit loser
Substandard shit men of the universe
Human men are actually rat monkey women with penises
Least in the universe shit men shit jokes failures
There ends, rather abruptly, my first real piece of hate mail. (Online, anyway; my zine got its share of angry missives, but at least Fat used spell-check---no, wait, there's "difficient.") I think the second-to-last line is my favorite. There's a horror screenplay in there somewhere. And I'm kinda pissed that, compiling the list twenty-odd years ago, we missed "nerdling clod."
Unfortunately, I have deleted the letter I wrote back to Mr. Fat, but the gist of it was that he is a lunatic. Hoping this was all a gag, I Googled his name only to find an embarrassing, flatulent treatise at a vanity press-type site. It was essentially the same thing as the first two paragraphs of his e-mail, but imagine that redundant nonsense iterated endlessly, and pointlessly broken up into identical-sounding chapters to boot. If it was indeed a joke, I wasted a lotta time searching for a punchline. You can look for it yourself, at author-me.com. When searching for his name, the first results page will have several Fat hits, which is exactly what I recommend you do before trying to read his asinine drivel.
In my reply to G. C. Fat, I pondered whether he has lucid moments anymore, and asked if he realized that all the vile things at the end of his letter are his own gruesomely sad feelings about himself, since it has little or nada to do with the list in question. I'm guessing he found my site by masturbatorily Googling some perverse phrase that inflames his twisted, shame-fueled libido. I advised he go back on his meds, triple the dose, and reconsider the relative benefits of electroconvulsive therapy. I bet he was a much weirder kid at twelve than I ever was.
The typical human being is also difficient in self esteem and maturity and autonomy and individuality and independence. They are really needy overgrown crybabies that need their colicky pains alleviated. It wouldn't be so bad except that selfishness and immaturity sometimes corrupt. Making these people self destructive and also immoral. The corruptions of the selfish affected many innocents and made many of those innocents negative, immature, and selfish themselves. Many of these people expect everyone to also behave selfish, immature, negative, and self destructive, involve themselves into the personal lives of strangers, and pretty much live ridiculous. Most of the human condition is ridiculous because of these people.
Insults: Sketchy irresponsible goofy anal monkey
infantile nerd colicky poop prissy cunt little shit of the universe
Shit joke shit boy
Shit of the universe embarrassment
Anal faggot telepathic nigger animal loser
Inferiority complex overgrown crybaby fagboy
Black sheep cunt bitch shit of the universe
dumbfuck shit boy loser shit joke
pathetic ignorant insectoid stack of worthless shit
Intrusive selfish inferiority complex loser
Pathetic anal shit monkey buffoon asshole
Annoying inferior pest shit boy nerdling clod
Competitive shit boy pussy loser faggot bitch
Couldn't own and control even a worthless piece of shit loser
Substandard shit men of the universe
Human men are actually rat monkey women with penises
Least in the universe shit men shit jokes failures
There ends, rather abruptly, my first real piece of hate mail. (Online, anyway; my zine got its share of angry missives, but at least Fat used spell-check---no, wait, there's "difficient.") I think the second-to-last line is my favorite. There's a horror screenplay in there somewhere. And I'm kinda pissed that, compiling the list twenty-odd years ago, we missed "nerdling clod."
Unfortunately, I have deleted the letter I wrote back to Mr. Fat, but the gist of it was that he is a lunatic. Hoping this was all a gag, I Googled his name only to find an embarrassing, flatulent treatise at a vanity press-type site. It was essentially the same thing as the first two paragraphs of his e-mail, but imagine that redundant nonsense iterated endlessly, and pointlessly broken up into identical-sounding chapters to boot. If it was indeed a joke, I wasted a lotta time searching for a punchline. You can look for it yourself, at author-me.com. When searching for his name, the first results page will have several Fat hits, which is exactly what I recommend you do before trying to read his asinine drivel.
In my reply to G. C. Fat, I pondered whether he has lucid moments anymore, and asked if he realized that all the vile things at the end of his letter are his own gruesomely sad feelings about himself, since it has little or nada to do with the list in question. I'm guessing he found my site by masturbatorily Googling some perverse phrase that inflames his twisted, shame-fueled libido. I advised he go back on his meds, triple the dose, and reconsider the relative benefits of electroconvulsive therapy. I bet he was a much weirder kid at twelve than I ever was.
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